


hit it until it breaks

by ShatteredEpiphany



Series: Oikawa Tooru's Tumblr Blog [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Interactive Fiction, M/M, Oikawa Tooru's Tumblr Blog, References to Depression, Roommates, Tumblr, references to gender fluidity, small doses of angst, they aren't childhood friends, turns into a glorified sickfic towards the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-14
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-08 15:06:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8849644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShatteredEpiphany/pseuds/ShatteredEpiphany
Summary: Hit it until it breaks? The blog name stirs something in Iwaizumi’s memory. A phrase he had heard somewhere, but he can't really remember where. And aesthetics? What the hell is that?OR a series of snippets in sequence of Iwaizumi finding out that Oikawa Tooru is not all he seems to be and consequently falling in love with him.





	1. Five

It was a simple thing really. Iwaizumi hadn’t even intended to spy upon his flatmate, but the laptop had been left open in the living room, while the owner was in the bathroom and he just had to take a peek. The other male usually guarded the piece of technology fiercely, so Iwaizumi had never really known what he was doing on it. Until this moment.

Iwaizumi stares at the screen squinting slightly, a bit disbelieving at what is in front of him. He rubs his sleep deprived eyes as if to make sure that he’s not seeing it wrong.

A blog?

Oikawa Tooru, the 1st string setter of their university’s volleyball team, almost straight As student and the resident playboy, had been surfing through what looked like a Tumblr blog. One that seriously didn’t match anything Iwaizumi imagined Oikawa would care about in the small free time he had.

Hit it until it breaks? The blog name stirs something in Iwaizumi’s memory. A phrase he had heard somewhere, but he couldn’t really remember where.

And aesthetics? What the hell is that?

Oikawa had never really mentioned anything like this to him in the short time they had been living together. Iwaizumi shrugs and moves away from the computer, it isn’t really his business. As he hears Oikawa return from the bathroom, Iwaizumi sits down on the couch to watch some TV and pretends that he hasn’t seen anything.

-

But Iwaizumi like any respectable university student is prone to procrastination and along with that comes inane curiosity about the stupidest things. So on one of the nights where he is supposed to be sleeping, he, of course, finds himself on the blog Oikawa had been browsing. The phrase that was the title of the blog had stuck annoyingly in his mind, so it was pretty easy to find on the resident search engine.

He waits patiently for it to load and stares at the design, it is rather simple, but Iwaizumi finds that he doesn’t hate it. In fact, browsing through the pictures on the site, Iwaizumi finds himself relaxing. He can see why Oikawa would be into this, even if some of the pictures were a bit out of place or suggested that the blog owner was probably not in the best state of mind. Then again maybe that’s what the aesthetics are?

Iwaizumi startles a bit when he comes across the first text post by the owner of the blog, the monotony of the pictures had lulled him into a certain pace and now that is broken.

_After a long absence I am back._

_Midterms are over, my roommate is busy and volleyball practice is going ok. Dare I say it? I’m feeling ok._

_When visiting one of my favorite coffee shops near the campus I heard a song. Fools by Troye Sivan. It’s amazing, he is amazing.  
I can relate to him so well._

Iwaizumi stares at the text, his tired brain trying to comprehend it. One word immediately stands out – volleyball. So the owner plays volleyball. Well it makes sense that Oikawa would be looking at a blog that was made by a volleyball player.

Another thing that stands out to Iwaizumi is the name Troye Sivan. He pulls up his generic search engine and types it in. _Ohh._ Is all his tired brain manages.

Troye Sivan is a singer and according to the accompanying images it is the guy the owner of the blog had been reblogging pictures of previously. Iwaizumi scrolls down the results of the search engine and is assaulted by news articles declaring that the singer had come out as gay in a YouTube video.

“I can relate to him so well.” Iwaizumi whispers the words to himself with sudden understanding. Yeah, the person behind the blog was becoming clearer in his mind. A girl, probably, that likes other girls (Iwaizumi doesn’t really care about that stuff, his own sexuality largely unexplored yet), a university student, rather artistic and plays volleyball? Iwaizumi stops on that one, his mind growing fuzzy from confusion and tiredness.

 _I should probably sleep._ He decides. But before that, he opens YouTube and finds the song that the author of the blog had written about. Somewhere in his sleep muddled brain, right before he passes out, he recognizes that the tune was somewhat similar to the one Oikawa had been humming just that morning, when he thought Iwaizumi couldn’t hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the blog exists.  
> http://hitituntilitbreaks-aesthetics.tumblr.com  
> Possible spoilers if you want to check ahead on what else has been posted. The blog will be updated sporadically with reblogs and new entries later on.
> 
> Comments? Anyone want to beta this baby?


	2. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iwaizumi is a bit slow, isn't he? Also coffee.

The next morning Iwaizumi scrutinizes Oikawa over his cup of coffee while the other is getting ready for his morning practice. Nothing much is different from any other morning, really. But now that Iwaizumi has researched more about (read: stalked) the blog, he wonders why Oikawa of all people would be looking at it. Oikawa chooses that moment to approach him and try to steal his coffee. Iwaizumi frowns and slaps his hand away.

“That isn’t good for you, Trashykawa.” He grumbles, voice hoarse from the early morning. But the insult rolls of his tongue naturally.

“Of course, Iwa-chan, like it’s good for you.” The taller man replies dryly. Iwaizumi shrugs defensively.

“You’re the one who always overdoses on caffeine..”

“.. and you never thought I could get more annoying.” Oikawa finishes the sentence for him. “That was one time, Iwa-chan.”

He reaches for the coffee again, but Iwaizumi pulls the cup back and demonstratively drinks it all in one shot. The hot liquid burns a bit, but Oikawa’s shocked expression is worth it.

“So petty, Iwa-chan.”

“Aren’t you gonna be late?”

Iwaizumi smirks as Oikawa yelps after looking at the clock and rushes out of the kitchen to grab his gym bag. A few moments later Iwaizumi hears the front door slam.

-

It’s much later the same day, during one of the most boring history classes Iwaizumi has ever attended, that he thinks of the blog again. He sneaks a look at the professor who is still droning on and pulls out his phone. It’s not like he is the only one with some sort of device out, so he doesn’t feel too guilty when he opens his phone’s browser and types in the blog address again. It takes a while, but he scrolls back to where he had left off the previous night.

As Iwaizumi scrolls past the post about Troye Sivan (whose song is now fucking stuck in his head), he notices the sudden appearance of coffee related posts. _Well ain’t this a coincidence._ He thinks as he scrolls through them recalling the morning scene with Oikawa. (Who seriously needed to lay off the stuff and Iwaizumi was just being a good roommate by pointing that out.)

When he scrolls past a picture with the slogan “Happiness is a cup of coffee and a good book.”, Iwaizumi freezes.

Right after is another text post by the blog owner.

_I want another coffee but my roommate saw me drink one earlier, he hates it when I drink too much coffee_ _  
“never thought you could be more annoying” is what he said when he caught me after an all-nighter and 3 lattes with way too much sugar_

“Never thought you could be more annoying.” Echoes in his mind in Oikawa’s voice, he had repeated those words back to Iwaizumi just this morning. The words that he had said to Oikawa when he had caught him after an all-nighter sitting next to haphazardly spread around text books and his body way too jittery to be normal.

Iwaizumi squints at his tiny phone screen in disbelief. There is no way the blog owner would know this.. Unless, of course, the blog owner was Oikawa himself.

Iwaizumi feels the gears in his brain get stuck trying to process this particular information. The phrase “Hit It Until It Breaks” jumps out to the forefront of his mind instead and suddenly he realizes where he had heard it before. Oikawa had used something similar to that phrase for one of those volleyball magazine interviews he always bragged about. His supposed slogan, motto, whatever.

This wasn’t some random blog Oikawa had been looking at. This was Oikawa’s blog. A (most likely) very personal blog that he didn’t intend for anyone who knows him to see and Iwaizumi had totally looked through.

Iwaizumi slams his head on the desk and receives a few glares from the other students, the professor pays him no attention and continues on lecturing as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely responses to the first part, it made me smile so much. Oikawa also says thank you for all the new followers on his blog haha   
> I'm taking suggestions for what he should blog about in the future! even tho the start for this is already set, the future posts are in your hands, dear readers
> 
> (small spoiler: next part is a favorite of mine)


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are we finally getting somewhere? Feat. mom!Iwa-chan and confused Oikawa

Iwaizumi initially feels really bad about reading Oikawa’s personal thoughts, but that lasts only for a little while as the curiosity gets the best of him. There aren’t that many posts and the blog seems to be fairly new. (the coffee post was tagged as only the fourth personal post)

So one evening after he has avoided Oikawa for a few days, which isn’t that hard given how busy the other is, he sits down with his laptop and goes back to the blog. He is beyond curious to see what had started this, what had made Oikawa want to make this blog, but he paces himself and goes through the pages of posts slowly. Taking in the other things he has reblogged, but eventually he reaches the next text post.

_I want to blog more but I have so much work to do for my courses and it’s the midterm week and then there’s volleyball practice too.._

_\+ I have to be wary and not blog in front of my roommate (though I have gotten away with it a few times), there is no way he would understand_

_the stress doesn’t stop building up and I want to die_

_(I think this space is the only thing keeping me from breaking down immediately)_

Iwaizumi scrutinizes this one much more, now that he knows it was written by Oikawa, he feels like he as to understand every small detail in it. (he doesn’t know why he needs to know, but it seems important) He remembers the midterm week and how absent Oikawa seemed at that time. It seems to put everything more into context now that he can better place the Oikawa in real life together with the blog posts that seem to reflect Oikawa’s unspoken thoughts.

Roommate. Iwaizumi pauses on that word. He doesn’t know whether to be flattered or not, but it seems that Oikawa mentions him in every single post. Iwaizumi wonders about that. The other also seems to be under the impression that Iwaizumi would dismiss his true self if he ever learned about it, which is completely untrue, but then again he hasn’t given Oikawa any reason to believe otherwise.

“The stress doesn’t stop building and I want to die.” Iwaizumi has taken to quietly reading the text posts out loud and imagining how they would sound in Oikawa’s voice. This particular example sends shivers of anxiety up his spine. From his rather limited observations, for as long as they have been roommates, he would like to believe that Oikawa isn’t actually suicidal. But he has been known to be wrong before. Iwaizumi, almost unconsciously, reaches for his phone wanting to make sure Oikawa is ok. It makes no sense, of course, because the text post is from some time ago now and Oikawa is obviously still alive and well.

But that doesn’t stop the anxiety and Iwaizumi glares at his phone for a while. It won’t hurt just to make sure. So he dials up Oikawa’s number which he rarely uses, but has saved anyway. Seconds tick by and Iwaizumi drums his fingers against his messy desk full of reference books and sticky notes in odd places. He stares at the mess, mentally comparing it to Oikawa’s usually tidy space, when suddenly Oikawa’s bright if somewhat breathless voice interrupts his daze.

“Iwa-chan? You never call me. Is something wrong?”

Iwaizumi freezes, not knowing how to respond. It’s not like he has anything particular he wanted to say, he had called just to calm his anxiety. It had helped, but now he was anxious for a completely different reason.

“Ahh, nothing in particular.” He stalls and Oikawa laughs. Iwaizumi tries to pretend that the sound doesn’t make him relax or turn the inside of his chest warm.

“If it’s nothing in particular I would like to get back to practice.” Iwaizumi glances at the clock in the corner of his laptop.

“What the hell Shittykawa? Your practice ended hours ago. I thought you were out with your friends or something.” The warm feeling is gone, instead Iwaizumi feels frustrated and sort of annoyed. Yet another thing he didn’t know about his roommate, but at least he hadn’t found it out through research (read: stalking) this time.

He hears Oikawa breathing on the other end of the line, but he’s not responding. Iwaizumi sighs. He knows how busy the other is and extra practice is probably close to a death sentence with how exhausted he looks most of the time. Not that he lets most people see that, but Iwaizumi doesn’t need a blog to tell him that much.

“Come back home, I will make us dinner and you can relax. I can feel your exhaustion all the way across campus.” He finally says and hangs up without waiting for a reply.

He had meant to make dinner anyway, he’ll just make extra so Oikawa has something to eat even if he doesn’t come back now. Iwaizumi is not sure if he will, he doesn’t know the other well enough to predict something like that. They aren’t what you would call close, even if they do have silly nicknames for each other. That’s mostly courtesy of Oikawa who had given him his almost as soon as they had become flat mates at the start of the school year.

Iwaizumi stretches in his chair feeling his spine crack for a moment and then stands up and heads to the kitchen. He chooses to make a simple stir-fry with rice. He’s not the greatest cook, but at least he knows how to use the stove unlike Oikawa who he barely even sees in the kitchen aside from making tea or coffee.

Iwaizumi is stirring the vegetables simmering in the pan, the smell of sauce spreading through the small apartment and all that’s left to do is add the rice, when the front door opens and closes with a soft click. He stiffens for a moment, but ignores it and adds the rice before putting the lid on the whole thing to let it sit for a moment. He’s the one who suggested that Oikawa comes home, so he should stop being so self-conscious about it.

“Honestly, I didn’t expect you to actually do this.” Oikawa comments quietly from the kitchen doorway and Iwaizumi has to physically stop himself from jumping. _Seriously, this is getting ridiculous._ Instead Iwaizumi turns around and shrugs.

“Just wanted to do something nice for you. I know you’ve been tired lately.” _Quite depressed too, if your blog is anything to go by._ “And don’t think I have forgotten about the extra practice.” Iwaizumi stares at Oikawa with his best threatening expression. He can see the confusion radiate from Oikawa’s form. True. He has no reason to do this, so far they have kept out of each other’s way and in Oikawa’s point of view nothing has changed enough to warrant this sort of.. Care? Attention? Iwaizumi doesn’t really know what to call it either, so he ignores it and instead pushes Oikawa to sit down and then serves him a large helping of the stir fried rice.

“It’s nothing special.” Iwaizumi grumbles feeling his cheeks heat a little. He has never been the best with other people trying his food. But Oikawa’s eyes sparkle in a way he hasn’t seen before as he takes his first bite, so Iwaizumi forgets his embarrassment and stares expectantly.

“Nothing special my ass. This is great, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa says with such sincerity in his voice Iwaizumi’s heart almost skips a beat. _Oh this is bad. He is so cute, when he is not faking it._ Iwaizumi sits down across from him with his own plate of food, pretending that he is not blushing. Oikawa doesn’t comment on it, instead digging in looking like he hasn’t eaten all day. Which he most likely hasn’t.

In his head Iwaizumi promises himself to make extra food more often.

 

 

_coda:_

It somehow becomes an established routine. Whenever Iwaizumi makes food, he makes extra and he texts Oikawa and lets him know that there’s leftovers; on the rare occasion when Oikawa is home they eat together. It feels right and Oikawa hasn’t commented on it, except to express his gratitude and satisfaction whenever he finishes a meal. It’s sort of cute, to be honest. He finds small sticky notes on the washed containers where he had put in the leftovers for Oikawa. Mostly there’s a simple _Thanks!_ or _It was delicious~!_ written on them. One time, however, there’s an elaborate drawing of a heart, swirling lines in dark ink. Iwaizumi, of course, saves them all, but sticks the one with the heart in his planner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I personally loved writing this part, so I hope all of you like it as well /sweats nervously  
> next one might take a while as I want to get it just right especially considering the theme of it (those who have looked ahead in the blog can probably guess why)
> 
> thank you, lovely people, for all the comments, kudos and bookmarks. <3


	4. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know what I'm doing anymore and I don't think Iwaizumi does either? But Oikawa loves it.

It’s a late Saturday afternoon nearing the end of the semester and Oikawa is yet again in practice.

Earlier Iwaizumi had sent the setter off while nagging about putting on warmer clothes. And Oikawa had responded with a sweet “are you my mom, Iwa-chan?” which had made Iwaizumi want to kick the other through the open front door. He had been glad, however, to see Oikawa switch his light jacket for a thicker coat. Really, where would that idiot be without him now?

Despite Oikawa annoying him occasionally, it feels natural. Them joking around and Iwaizumi taking care of Oikawa. (in his own way) It feels good like nothing he has felt in a very long time.

Of course, at the back of his mind Iwaizumi knows that he should just confess to Oikawa, that he has found his blog and that he has been looking through it. _The modern equivalent of looking through somebody’s diary._ He scoffs at that thought, because Oikawa somehow has become special case to him in a lot of ways. There aren’t a lot of people who he would research (read: stalk) in this way.

And he can’t deny it, he has been looking at the other differently, making more of an effort to spend time and get to know him as a result. It’s all thanks to him looking through that blog, which still has one or two personal posts that Iwaizumi hasn’t seen. And, damn, if he isn’t curious.

With that thought he untangles himself from the stifling blankets he had wrapped himself up in the whole day; December has finally really kicked in and the weather outside is unforgivably cold.

Iwaizumi sighs and sits down at his usual place at the desk. He probably should be working on his thesis paper or studying for the upcoming finals, but really, the deadlines are all next year (ha!) and he has been studying the whole semester, so he can’t be bothered.

Instead he opens up the now familiar blog and scrolls down the page as usual. During this time Oikawa has been randomly reblogging some stuff, no new text posts have appeared though. Iwaizumi wonders about it for a moment, but then forgets about it just as fast, because the posts have changed their theme yet again.

Make-up and girls in pretty outfits. And there’s quite a lot of them. Iwaizumi scrutinizes the photos for a bit wondering of the significance. He doesn’t have to wonder long, because the next text post follows.

 _I saw the prettiest girl on campus today, her makeup was perfect and her clothes fit her so well._ _I want to feel pretty too, at least sometimes. I know everyone thinks I fit the image I have built for myself, but.._  
_I tried putting on eyeliner, it looked horrible and my roommate yelled at me for taking too long in the bathroom._  
_I don’t think I will try again. I’ll just stick to concealer._

Iwaizumi stares at the post for a moment, feeling like the last pieces of his original perception of Oikawa have finally shattered and fallen away.

He’s known that Oikawa cares about his appearance ever since they moved in together. That much was clear. This though, this makes Iwaizumi’s chest clench uncomfortably. He wants to tell Oikawa that he’s already so pretty and that his clothes always look really good on him, but Iwaizumi understands that that probably isn’t what Oikawa wants to hear.

Iwaizumi scrolls back up to look at the reblogged pictures again. He doesn’t know much about fashion and even less so about make-up. In fact in his whole life he has barely thought of it even in passing. But to Oikawa this is clearly something important and Iwaizumi feels responsible even though he really has no reason to. He has to do something.

With a half formed idea in his mind, Iwaizumi, after hastily throwing on the first clothes he sees, is out the door.

-

It’s only when he is already standing in the store that he has second thoughts. He really has no idea what he is doing. But before he can think to exit, a shop assistant is already next to him with a cheerful smile on her face.

“Looking for a gift for you girlfriend?” She asks in a sugary sweet tone. Iwaizumi blushes and laughs nervously.

“Yeah, something like that.” Inwardly he is screaming.

“Well, are you looking for anything specific? Perfume is always a nice gift.” The girl continues on, but Iwaizumi shakes his head.

“No, I was thinking more about actual make-up. H-she is not very experienced with it, so is there something simple that you could recommend?” Iwaizumi feels like his whole being is blushing, but he has managed to get the words out and somehow it feels good. The girl is already prattling on about the different types and leading him through the maze of a store.

“..so I think a lip gloss or lip stick would be the best.” She finishes and Iwaizumi nods. Oikawa would look lovely with lip gloss on and it wouldn’t be something too obvious even if he wore it out of the house.

“Yeah, I think so too. What kind of lip glosses do you have?”

-

About fifteen minutes later Iwaizumi exits the store, the shop assistant calling goodbyes after him. The clear, cherry scented lip gloss is burning a hole in the pocket of his jacket. He knows that when he gets home Oikawa will probably be there already and he feels his anxiety flare up. He has gone ahead and done something completely out of character and probably uncalled for and he doesn’t know if he has the guts to go through with it and give it to Oikawa.

As soon as he steps through the door he spots the lights on in Oikawa’s room. Iwaizumi approaches with bated breath, he rarely has the chance to go inside as he never really has a reason to. Iwaizumi has to convince himself that now there is a reason to, it doesn’t work. Before he can back away, Oikawa calls on him.

“I heard you come in.. Iwa-chan?” Oikawa appears in the doorway and Iwaizumi feels his breath catch because Oikawa is wearing a soft teal sweater and dark leather pants that hug his legs perfectly. Oikawa laughs nervously seeing his stare.

“Yeah, as I thought, it looks weird, right?” There’s a strange expression on Oikawa’s face. “Kuroo invited me to this party, but I’m not sure if I want to go, after all.”

Iwaizumi can’t answer still looking at him awestruck. How this person could ever doubt himself about anything, is beyond him.

“I guess I will change.” Oikawa sighs and turns heading back into his room. Iwaizumi follows a protest ready on his lips, but he still doesn’t say anything. Instead he takes in Oikawa’s room. It looks different from what he last remembers. The bed sheets have been changed to darker ones with a galaxy print on them. The vanity with the mirror has been moved to the left of the window and is now decorated with Christmas lights. Iwaizumi smiles, seems like the aesthetics (or whatever the hell they were called) had seeped into real life too.

While Oikawa is muttering about something under his breath, his back turned to Iwaizumi as he ruffles through his closet, Iwaizumi gathers his courage and fishes out the lip gloss from his pocket. His palms are sweaty and he grimaces wiping them on his sweat pants. He hesitates still not knowing how he should go about this.

Just when it seems like Oikawa is about to turn around Iwaizumi panics and places the lip gloss on the vanity next to all the other beauty items Oikawa uses. He spots the concealer and eyeliner that Oikawa mentioned on his blog, those are the only products that seem to give away his interests. The lip gloss stands out sorely.

He’s about to take it back when Oikawa is suddenly next to him. “Iwa-chan, you’re acting extra weird today.” He comments taking in Iwaizumi’s blush, that’s high upon his cheek bones.

Iwaizumi tries to not give it away, but his eyes dart to the small item on the vanity and Oikawa follows his gaze. His eyes widen comically and time seems to stop for a moment.

“What is this? I-is that for me? Iwa-chan?” Oikawa seems to be completely confused and also somehow on the verge of breaking into tears, his hands tugging on his sweater nervously.

Iwaizumi is embarrassed, but he pushes back the feeling for now and picks up the lip gloss before handing it to Oikawa, who is still staring at him frozen, but takes it anyway.

“Going to the party is your choice, but I just wanted to say your outfit looks.. amazing,” he pauses so he doesn’t spill everything else that he thinks about Oikawa right then and there, “and I think the lip gloss will complement it very well.” He finally manages to say before walking out of the room and then running straight to the bathroom locking himself in.

_What the fuck, Iwaizumi? How obvious can you get?_

Iwaizumi crouches on the bathroom floor for what feels like hours afterwards, his face on fire, until he hears Oikawa exit the flat, and only then sighs in relief.

-

That night Iwaizumi dreams of soft kisses and the scent of cherries lingers.

The next morning he finds a sticky note with cherry blossoms drawn on it next to his pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeaaaaah, I'm back. I agonized over this chapter but in the end kept it simple, like always. I'm kinda curious tho of those of you who looked ahead in the blog what did you expect to happen for this chapter?  
> we are almost caught up with the original posts and Oikawa is ready to make more /winks


	5. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Progress or not? Feat. new text post and, oh, coffee makes an appearance again.

Something has changed between them. 

Iwaizumi isn't surprised. He had expected it. Even though it had been a spur of the moment kind of thing, he knew that by giving Oikawa a gift like that he was probably changing their entire view of each other. This went beyond making meals and fussing over the other. 

So Iwaizumi observes Oikawa, watching him waiting for any confrontation to come between them, but it doesn't happen. Instead the morning after Oikawa is extremely hangover and their only interaction is Iwaizumi bringing water and painkillers to Oikawa’s room and leaving them there while the other sleeps.

In the days following, Iwaizumi makes food as usual and throws warm clothes at Oikawa when it seems like the other is not taking care of himself, but it all feels different now. Iwaizumi frequently catches Oikawa watching him with a strange look on his face and the atmosphere surrounding them turns heavy at the most unexpected moments.

Regarding the gift itself, Oikawa doesn’t say anything about the lip gloss directly, but he wears it around the house and Iwaizumi feels weak in the knees every time he sees him with it. No matter what the other wears the faint shimmer of his lips and the artificial scent of cherries stands out and honestly Iwaizumi doesn’t know anything else that makes his heart skip a beat quite like it.

_I'm fucked._

That's probably the mildest way to put it.

His friends have noticed too. It’s not like they have ever taken him too seriously, but now both Makki and Mattsun tease him about the "obvious crush" he has on his roommate almost daily. Iwaizumi wants to slam his head in the nearest wall every time. It's not a crush, he just really wants Oikawa to feel better about himself and, ok, maybe he does talk (and think) about the other a bit too much. But it's definitely not a crush. He's not some high schooler pining away, he's 22 and he should have a better grasp of his emotions than that.

(But then why can't he explain his feelings regarding Oikawa better?)

Somehow Makki and Mattsun get out of him that Oikawa has a Tumblr blog and that’s the reason for the sudden change in their interactions. He doesn’t give them the blog address, knowing that it’s still immensely private, but they don’t even ask. Instead they spend about fifteen minutes afterwards laughing at him and calling him a stalker. Which he is. But that’s besides the point. He has to hush them and make them promise not to say anything at least five times.

Knowing them, the whole campus would find out and it would somehow eventually come back to Oikawa, who is still incredibly popular and well-known everywhere. He hears his name come up in casual conversation around him almost daily. Honestly, he’s a bit scared. Iwaizumi has always preferred staying in the shadows, while Oikawa is always in the spotlight. He wonders if them becoming closer is a good idea after all.

In all the excitement of simply trying to survive every day with Oikawa and Matsukawa and Hanamaki ruining his life, not to mention the end of the year assignments, Iwaizumi has almost forgotten about the blog. But not quite.

He returns to it at least once a day and feels quite ridiculous because he knows he’s expecting some better indication of how Oikawa feels there, since the other doesn’t speak about it to him in person.

And he does give an indication, in a very Oikawa roundabout way.

The amount of pictures of cherries and cherry blossoms Oikawa has reblogged in the past week alone makes him want to hide under covers and never reappear. He already has the sticky note stashed away in his planner next to the previous one he received, but this constant reminder of what he did feels a bit too much.

Still, he secretly loves that his gift has left what he thinks is a positive effect.

-

As usual he gets lulled into a certain pace when it comes to Oikawa and then it gets shattered just as easily.

They’re sitting in the kitchen sipping coffee early in the morning and for once Iwaizumi’s lenient and allows Oikawa to drink his sugary lattes just as much as the other man wishes. He figures that the other deserves it, since it’s close to Christmas now and they’re just about recovering from finals week.

Oikawa is tapping away on his phone smiling and Iwaizumi doesn’t even think of it much until his phone vibrates and a notification of a new post from Hit It Until It Breaks Aesthetics appears.

Ok, so he might have gotten the Tumblr app and made his own account just so he could follow Oikawa’s blog. It’s for convenience sake, really. And he might have, with Kenma’s help (who had only looked at him with judging eyes), set it up so it notifies him whenever there’s a new post. Which is exactly what had happened, he just hadn’t counted on Oikawa being right next to him when it did.

Iwaizumi swipes away the notification while Oikawa is staring at him with suspicious eyes.

“What was that, Iwa-chan?”

Iwaizumi swallows feeling his cheeks flush, he has a distinct feeling that Oikawa knows exactly what it was.

“My mom.”

“Really, at 6:30 in the morning?” Oikawa only smiles at him as if he's said something cute.

“Yeah, I told you I’m going back home for the holidays, right? She’s just checking up on me..” Iwaizumi trails off watching as Oikawa’s expression withers. Technically he’s not lying, he is going back home for winter holidays, but his mom is probably still asleep right now.

“I forgot you were going back.” Oikawa says with a tight smile. "I'm so busy I probably won't even have time for any Christmas celebrations. So you better have fun for me as well, Iwa-chan."

Iwaizumi nods and Oikawa gets up after draining his cup of coffee. He doesn’t know what, but as he watches Oikawa get ready and leave for volleyball practice, he feels like he’s done something wrong.

Only once Oikawa has exited the flat does Iwaizumi pull up the text post.

_Life has picked up for me lately. It’s strange how fast one person can make a significant impact. I need to hold onto this feeling, because I feel like it will all go down the drain as soon as the holidays hit._

_I can already feel the annual winter sickness descending upon me. Ugh._

He stares at the lines of words feeling a strange mix of happiness and guilt. Oikawa had obviously been feeling better these days, that much was clear just from his expressions, but it was still nice to get a complete confirmation from his blog and now Iwaizumi feels he has somehow taken away from that. Though he still can’t wrap his mind around the fact that Oikawa considers him this important.

It’s the last line that ignites some anger in him, the idiot hadn’t even mentioned that he was feeling sick, though that probably wasn’t unusual for him, he’s never heard Oikawa complain about something that truly bothers him.

In the end he feels conflicted. He wonders if he should stay after all? Oikawa hadn't said anything directly to him, as per usual, but his post on the blog is worrying. 

On the other hand, he knows his parents expect him home and he misses his hometown dearly. The big city always leaves him feeling more and more suffocated as the semester goes on and at this point he's ready to take the next train out to the middle of nowhere just to get away.

And it's not like it's the first time he's leaving Oikawa alone in the flat, in fact, he has left every single time they have a break. Last summer holidays are especially vivid in his mind. He had come back and found Oikawa lounging on their couch half naked, apparently enjoying the new found freedom of living alone.

Iwaizumi sighs as he gets up and washes their coffee cups. 

_Oikawa should be fine this time too, right?_

 

_coda:_

Iwaizumi leaves Oikawa a Christmas present to find later on.

He agonizes for a long time on what to get him, even though he is sure Oikawa isn't getting him anything in return. In the end the answer comes from Makki who overheard one of Oikawa’s volleyball teammates saying "ugly Christmas sweaters are the true Christmas aesthetic".

Iwaizumi has no clue what that means or if he should trust Makki, but he goes with it anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ho, ho, ho, I come bearing gifts of future angst and suffering. Happy holidays!! 
> 
> anyone catch the post on Oikawa's blog before I posted this chapter?  
> Iwa's tumblr also exists btw :))


	6. One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost there, but first Iwa-chan contemplating things.

Iwaizumi watches the world outside the train window speed by.

It’s odd. There’s a strange sense of unease filling him for no reason, an out of place feeling, because he’s heading home for the first time in a couple of months. It should be the opposite. He should feel the tension fade away and a feeling of strange contentment should take its place like it always does when he leaves the capital and his university behind to visit his hometown. And it does in a way, he manages to put aside his worries which have only piled up as graduation approaches, but at the back of his mind is the sprawling city and the flat he left behind in a rush just earlier today.

Or more like the person he left there. Oikawa Tooru.

Now that he’s not surrounded by the overbearing presence of the other, because, yes, Oikawa has that kind of effect and Iwaizumi is sure it’s not just him suffering from it. Now that he’s out of that influence he can take a step back and with a clear head examine their interactions from the past month or so. Iwaizumi knows and has already thought himself in circles plenty by acknowledging that he is the guilty party here (stalker, as Makki and Mattsun would say), but Iwaizumi also feels that he’s not the only one completely at fault here.

Oikawa is a master of deception and avoidance. Though it has become a bit easier to decipher him lately, Iwaizumi is the first to admit that while he probably knows some personal details that nobody else does, he still doesn’t know the other well at all. Instead he has let himself be swept up in the idle banter and chattering that comes packaged with Oikawa’s personality. He enjoys the teasing and the lightheartedness of it all, but he wonders how different it would be by now if they only talked without any inhibitions.

He knows they’ve had plenty of chances for a meaningful conversation, especially lately, he was the one who created most of those chances, and it seems so obvious now that he’s on a train already tens of kilometers away from the source of his worries. Iwaizumi shakes his head to clear it further.

He will get over himself and he will definitely talk to Oikawa properly when he returns to Tokyo, but for now he lets himself relax as he gets closer and closer to Sendai.

-

Iwaizumi spends a large part of the start of the holidays surrounded by his extended family. He is a single child to his parents, but he doesn’t have a single memory from his childhood of when he’d felt lonely because of it. Even now his old house is warm from fire wood crackling in the fireplace and full of his cousins’ laughter. He loves it all dearly.

He lets his cousins drag him into their games and deflects most of his relatives’ questions about how his life has been since he last saw them, only engaging his uncle who works in a publishing house.

They end up taking a walk down the countryside path that used to be his favorite during childhood. The conversation shifts to the subject of his thesis. Of course. Iwaizumi smiles, their love for Japanese language and literature has always been the one thing they have in common. The conversation stalls as they approach the end of the path.

Iwaizumi stops and snaps a picture of the frozen forest and fields, wondering if Oikawa would like the view. He decides that he probably would.  _I should take him here._ Comes to his mind before he can stop it.

His uncle as if sensing the shift in atmosphere keeps quiet, the offer of working for him that he mentions almost every time they meet, doesn't pass his lips this time.

Iwaizumi falls asleep that night wondering what would become of him, if he really did decide to move back to Sendai for work. He feels that there's something holding him back from that now.

-

Everything has quieted down a bit with the New Year approaching, and Iwaizumi finds himself with more free time to laze around the house and think than he’s really comfortable with.

Out of habit Iwaizumi opens up the Tumblr app scrolling through Oikawa’s posts idly, some new things have been added, but there’s not much out of the ordinary. He has sent the other a few text messages, but so far there’s been no response and Iwaizumi comforts himself with the thought that Oikawa, just as he said, must be really busy.

He scrolls past everything he has already seen on the blog and lets his mind wander not noticing until he’s at the end and there’s nowhere further to scroll to.

The first post is right there. The one which he hasn’t seen yet.

_I don’t feel right in my own skin._

_The way others see me is not who I really am._

_I need an outlet, hope this will help.._

It makes sense. Iwaizumi had come to the same conclusion from the previous posts, yet here is the confirmation and it feels different seeing it. He wonders how long Oikawa had been suffering underneath his own created image, before he created this blog to help him cope.

Iwaizumi mentally compares his first impression of when he met Oikawa, right before the other moved in and now. Even before that he had heard of the first year that had made a huge impression in the volleyball team, the only person to become a regular almost as soon as he entered it. And meeting Oikawa had only confirmed what he had expected of the famous first year – confident and intense. Iwaizumi still thinks of Oikawa as intense, but confident? Not the way he should be, probably.

Iwaizumi reminisces the moment of Oikawa cheerfully greeting him for the first time and proceeding to dub him Iwa-chan in the first five minutes of them meeting. It had made him wonder why Oikawa hadn’t been able to get along with his roommate in the university dorms, he was clearly good with people. (even if the nickname annoyed the shit out of him, it was still endearing)

Iwaizumi stretches out on the sofa smiling at the memory, when his phone startles him out of his daze. Incoming call from an unknown number.

“Hello?” Usually Iwaizumi doesn’t pick up calls from unknown numbers, but for some reason he does this time.

“Iwaizumi, right?” The low drawl of the voice on the other makes him pull back from the phone and stare at it suspiciously. Iwaizumi tentatively puts the phone back to his ear.

“Yeah, that’s me. Who’s calling?”

“It’s Kuroo, Oikawa’s teammate. Listen, nobody knows what happened to him, he hasn’t showed up for training for the past few days. He’s not answering his cell. I tried looking up contacts for his family, but there was nothing, the university administration gave me your number since you’re living together.”

Iwaizumi feels something in his chest constrict.

“I have no idea, I’m not in Tokyo at the moment.”

“Yeah, I figured, otherwise we wouldn't have this problem. He kept mentioning how you would always take care of him and when he didn’t show up..” Kuroo trailed off, Iwaizumi felt heat crawl up his neck. Oikawa talks about him to his teammates. _No, that’s not the point._

“I’m coming back.”

“Good, let me know when you figure out what happened.” Kuroo hangs up and Iwaizumi is already halfway to his room to pack his things. 

_Please, let it be nothing big. Please._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all this came way too late, I'm sorry, the next update should come in a few days  
> happy 2017, the year when I write all the Oikawa angst lmao
> 
> any speculations on Oikawa's fate? :)))


	7. ground zero pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> /stares at the tags  
> well, that will need to be edited

Iwaizumi keeps trying to call Oikawa all the way back to Tokyo, he hopes in vain that the other will pick up and tell him with a laugh “Iwa-chan, everything’s fine. You worry too much.”

It doesn’t happen. Instead Iwaizumi is left clutching his phone with sweaty hands as the train suddenly seems to be going way too slow. He tries to force himself to relax and thinks back to his last actual contact with Oikawa. They hadn’t talked much after that morning when Oikawa made the new post on his blog. After that Oikawa had become incredibly busy, just as he had said and Iwaizumi had left for his hometown soon after, bored of staying alone in the apartment.

Iwaizumi checks Oikawa’s blog again, the reason why he hadn’t been worried when the other didn’t respond to his text messages, and the few sporadic posts there now seem to be taunting instead of comforting.

When he finally arrives, he runs all the way from the train station back to their apartment, the cold winter air stealing away his breath, but he doesn’t slow down until he is unlocking the door. Even then his heartbeat is in his throat and his hands are shaking. It’s dark inside. Iwaizumi tries to calm his breathing. He takes a step inside to turn on the lights, but immediately stumbles over something solid and crashes hard right on top of it.

There comes a whimper muffled somewhere beneath him. Iwaizumi scrambles up ignoring the flare of pain from his arms which took the brunt of his fall. The sound is achingly familiar. He’s heard it plenty before when Oikawa stayed home with his overworked knee.

“Oikawa?” Iwaizumi kneels next to the figure. “Oikawa? What’s wrong? Why are you on the floor?” When there’s no response, he tries nudging him gently. His fingers come in contact with something wet and sticky and Iwaizumi’s heart leaps in his chest. He jumps up and turns on the lights immediately. His fingers are stained red.

He glances down and has to bite back a yell from shock. Nothing could’ve prepared him for the sight of Oikawa sprawled on the floor, splatters of blood lining the slight raise of the connection of the genkan and the rest of the flat. He’s still in his coat, which too seems to be stained with blood at random places. Iwaizumi feels his breath catch, mind running through all the worst case scenarios of what could have happened. He’s reaching for his phone to call for an ambulance, when Oikawa sits up with a groan and looks at him with dazed eyes.

“Iwa-chan? You’re here? Is it the end of the break already?” He stumbles over his words slurring them slightly and Iwaizumi drops to his knees disbelieving.

“No, it’s not even that long after Christmas.” Iwaizumi mutters mostly to himself. Relief slowly washes over him, at least Oikawa is conscious. “What happened, Oikawa? Where are you hurt?” He settles closer to the other and runs hands through his hair checking for the head injury he’s almost sure is there. Instead he comes up empty, Oikawa’s hair is dirty, unwashed and there’s some clumps stuck together as if by blood, but nothing else is there.

He’s distracted by how hot Oikawa’s skin is underneath his fingers, so he doesn’t notice Oikawa’s own hands pressing against his until he sees the sloppily tied bandage around one of them.

“I cut myself by accident in the kitchen. There was a lot of blood.” Oikawa mumbles, looking at Iwaizumi’s hands intertwined with his own. Iwaizumi feels more of the tension disappear. Good. He has to keep calm for Oikawa’s sake.

“You’re sure you’re not hurt anywhere else?” He asks intently and Oikawa nods, though his gaze is still hooded as if he’s not really all there.

“I tried to get myself to the store to get more medicine for the flu, but I ended up like this. How did you know to come?” He asks voice small and Iwaizumi feels his heart clench. Oikawa had been here alone, sick, with no one to help him. On instinct Iwaizumi pulls him closer in half a hug and Oikawa settles against his chest coughing quietly, hot forehead pressed to Iwaizumi’s neck.

“Your teammate Kuroo called me. He said you didn’t show up for practice for the last few days.” Iwaizumi feels Oikawa stiffen against him.

“Kuroo?” His voice comes out strangled and hushed. “I didn’t realize so much time passed.”

They sit in silence for a moment, before Iwaizumi shifts around and pulls out his phone to text Kuroo. The reply comes only minutes after asking if there’s anything they need and Iwaizumi glances down to Oikawa, about to ask him, but he finds the other fast asleep. At least he hopes he’s asleep. The ragged breathing he feels against him confirms it. He shoots a quick text back to Kuroo, asking him for light food and medicine.

Iwaizumi sits there with Oikawa in his arms gathering his own strength. They have to get off the floor, Oikawa can’t say there, but Iwaizumi feels weak now that the initial adrenaline has worn off. He removes the dirty coat gently and feels his heart speed up again when he sees the sweater that Oikawa is wearing underneath. His Christmas present. Luckily almost no blood has made it on there, except the sleeve of his injured hand, but otherwise the dark blue rain-deer patterned fabric is untouched. Unusual warmth wells up in Iwaizumi’s chest and he has to blink away the liquid gathering in his eyes.

In the end he bites his lip and pushes the feeling away. He can feel sentimental later. For now he shifts Oikawa, cursing the other under his breath, because no matter how slender Oikawa looks, he is still an athlete with muscles that weigh. He somehow manages to drag both of them up and towards Oikawa’s bedroom. He has to stop in the doorway, because the room looks like a whirlwind has torn through it. Clothes strewn about, sheets off the bed and Oikawa’s beauty products and astrophysics books stacked in a messy pile on the vanity table. He’s never seen the room less than impeccable, whatever led up to Oikawa's collapse must not have been pretty.

Iwaizumi sighs and turns back towards his own room.

-

Thankfully his room is exactly the same as he left it.

Once Oikawa is properly tucked in under a mountain of blankets in Iwaizumi's bed (and Iwaizumi refuses to think about how that makes him feel), he ventures to look at the rest of the flat. It’s almost as bad as Oikawa’s bedroom. The kitchen and bathroom make him reel, because once again Oikawa’s blood can be spotted on random surfaces, though here it looks like most of it has been sloppily cleaned up. No doubt by a delirious Oikawa himself.

He’s gathering the last of bandages and disinfectant in the bathroom, trying to remember how much they had before and how much Oikawa has used up, when he is interrupted by a knock on the door. _Kuroo._ He abandons the supplies in the bathroom and heads back to the entrance. 

He opens the front door almost absentmindedly and is surprised by the small figure standing there.

“Kenma?” He stares, his brain still not fully comprehending, when the other figure besides Kenma makes its presence known.

“Yeah, I figured since you know each other you wouldn’t mind if he came too.” Kuroo slouches next to Kenma and smiles, though it’s a tight smile and something tells Iwaizumi this is far from his usual expressions. “Here, the things you asked for.” Iwaizumi waves them inside as he takes the plastic bag Kuroo hands him.

He heads to the kitchen and takes the medicine out first, it’s the same medicine that Oikawa usually had in their medicine cupboard. He had seen the used up packages in the bathroom and now he wonders how Kuroo knew which ones to get. He’s about to ask, when he hears the strangled sound Kuroo makes when he enters the room.

“Is that blood? I thought he wasn’t dead.” Kuroo’s attempt at humor falls flat, not only because of the situation, but also because he looks extremely pale, his expression scrunched up in worry.

“There was blood at the entrance too.” Kenma quietly comments behind him and Kuroo looks even more anxious.

“He scared the shit out of me, but apparently it’s only his hand. He cut himself by accident.” Iwaizumi tries to reassure Kuroo, but the other is out of the room already.

“Let him, he’s been trying to hide it this whole time, but Oikawa disappearing like this really got to him.” Kenma says in his usual dull tone, but Iwaizumi can tell that he’s concerned too.

Iwaizumi shrugs, Kuroo is a med student from what he remembers. Maybe it’s a good idea for him to take a look at Oikawa. Instead he turns back to the bag. “Looks like Kuroo bought out the whole store, when I asked for a light meal. Let’s make something to eat in the mean-time.” Iwaizumi thinks he’s doing a good job of suppressing his own emotions, but Kenma scoffs at him watching his shaking hands.

“Get out, before you cut yourself too. I’ll make something.” Iwaizumi gapes at the unusual forcefulness from his quiet friend, but gives in and wanders out of the kitchen leaving Kenma to it. Restless, he heads back to his room and watches from the doorway as Kuroo, who seems to have found the bandages and the disinfectant, carefully cleans the wound on Oikawa’s hand. Even from so far away it looks ghastly, a rough and angry red gash lining the pale skin of the setter’s palm. He wonders for a moment how exactly Oikawa managed to cut himself there.

Oikawa whimpers in his sleep, no doubt in pain from the disinfectant. Iwaizumi is beside him in seconds. Kuroo looks up with dark eyes, but nods and Iwaizumi takes Oikawa’s other hand in his and squeezes hoping it gives at least some comfort.

“I should have known he’s sick, he always gets like this around this time.” Kuroo says quietly, measuring out how much of the bandages he will need.

“How long have you two known each other exactly?” Iwaizumi can’t help but ask, small flickers of jealousy already appearing. He stares at Kuroo’s hands gently wrapping the bandage around Oikawa’s.

“We went to the same high school and we’ve been teammates since then.” Kuroo pauses as if considering something. “Strange, I thought Oikawa told his Iwa-chan everything.” Iwaizumi bristles at that, ignoring the blush that’s already adorning his cheeks at hearing the nickname from somebody else.

“He tells me things, but I guess you slipped his mind.” Iwaizumi feels petty only for a second. Oikawa really doesn’t tell him much, but Kuroo doesn’t need to know that.

“Can you two shut up? My head is killing me.” Oikawa’s rough voice disperses the tension. He coughs and shifts on the bed glaring at the two of them eyes half lidded, obviously awake again.

“Well if you’re complaining it must not be that bad.” Kuroo comments, his expression shifting into a lazy smirk that fits his face much better than what he was showing just moments before. He fixes the bandage neatly, his hands lingering just moments too long for Iwaizumi to be comfortable with. But it’s Oikawa who pulls back first.

“What are you even doing here? I feel like every time I wake up more people appear.” Iwaizumi scrutinizes Oikawa’s pale, drawn features. He still looks sick, but all of the vulnerability he showed Iwaizumi before is gone and he seems much more lucid.

“We made it into a party. Kenma is here too.” Kuroo laughs quietly.

Oikawa looks confused and it’s only then Iwaizumi realizes that while Oikawa let go of Kuroo’s hand, their hands are still entwined and he squeezes it lightly again to get Oikawa’s attention.

“I asked them for a favor. I didn’t want to leave you here alone again.” Iwaizumi explains a bit sheepish and notices as Kuroo’s eyes flicker to their hands. Kuroo abruptly stands up.

“I’ll help Kenma in the kitchen.” And just like that, it’s only Iwaizumi and Oikawa in the room.

Oikawa curls up underneath the blankets sighing. “I’m sorry I interrupted your holidays, Iwa-chan.”

“What the hell are you on about, Shittykawa.” Iwaizumi growls in frustration. That is the last thing on his mind now. “You should have told me, when you first started feeling it, that you..” He trails off realizing what he’s about to say. Oikawa has no idea that Iwaizumi knew he was starting to feel sick since the blog post, though, of course, at that moment Iwaizumi had dismissed it.

“Told you what?” Oikawa looks at him and it’s clear that he’s still feverish, but his eyes are sharp, cutting through all of Iwaizumi’s defenses.

“That you were feeling sick.” Iwaizumi admits and Oikawa sighs, a strange mix of frustration and relief settling on his face.

“Yeah, well, you know just as well, that you should have told me a lot of things too.” He mutters and Iwaizumi stares at him in confusion and slight dread, while the other pauses for a moment as if deciding on something. ”So, Iwa-chan, tell me, what kind of aesthetics are you into?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh wow the response to last chapter blew my mind, y'all are amazing  
> and this fic reached a 100 kudos and 900+ views srsly what is life
> 
> on that positive note, we are almost at the end of the line, but fear not the end of this fic doesn't mean much, because the universe will continue on in new projects and oikawa's blog is definitely involved ;)
> 
> (keep a look out on oikawa's blog until the next update for sure)


	8. ground zero pt 2 / seven

_”So, Iwa-chan, tell me, what kind of aesthetics are you into?”_

Iwaizumi freezes, he had known that they would have to confront the issue, but he certainly hadn’t expected Oikawa himself to bring it up, especially while the other was burning up with a high fever. _How does he even know?_

“I-I don’t know what you mean?” Iwaizumi tries, but Oikawa pins him down with a hard look. There’s no way to get out of this. Oikawa is being much more forceful than he usually would be. Iwaizumi swallows hard and looks up to the ceiling. “I haven’t really figured out what my aesthetics are yet.” He mutters trying to stall the actual subject of the conversation.

To his surprise Oikawa pulls his hand out of Iwaizumi’s loose grasp and curls up tighter on the bed giggling. Iwaizumi stares at him as if he’s lost his mind. Which he might have, because that was definitely not the reaction he was expecting.

“Iwa-chan, you really take everything too seriously. That was meant rhetorically.” At this point Oikawa dissolves into more giggles, muted coughs in between, muttering something that sounds suspiciously like “hasn’t figured his aesthetics out yet”.

“You haven’t even taken any meds yet and you’re already acting like this.” Iwaizumi sighs and shakes his head fondly. He places his now free hand on Oikawa’s forehead and checks it comparing it to his own. Oikawa stills, finally turning quiet and Iwaizumi lets the hand linger longer than necessary. They exchange a silent look and the air that’s been following them around for weeks returns full force. The unsaid things still hang heavy between them, but Iwaizumi already sees the understanding and forgiveness, which he’s yet to ask for, in Oikawa’s eyes.

It’s strange. In his mind he had always thought that this conversation would end with him trying to explain and plead for forgiveness for not telling Oikawa how he had invaded his privacy. He had thought and thought himself in circles until he was dizzy and here Oikawa was just accepting it all, so easily. As if reading his mind, Oikawa shifts on the bed to sit up better.

“I’ve known for a while.” He says softly. “You’ve been acting differently for a while now, definitely different from how it was when we first started living together and then the lip gloss..” Oikawa trails off biting his lip and Iwaizumi’s hand moves on its own accord from Oikawa’s forehead to his lips as if to stop him.

“Did you really figure it out just from the lip gloss?” He questions and notes how Oikawa shivers when he traces his fingertips over the other’s slightly chapped lips. It all feels a bit too surreal. And it is. Before Oikawa can answer, there comes a pointed cough from the doorway. Kuroo stands there looking bemused, a tray in his hands. Iwaizumi pulls away reluctantly, but he’s also relieved. It will be much better to discuss all of this when Oikawa isn’t sick anymore.

“Kenma made rice porridge. Take the medicine afterwards, I already set the appropriate dosage aside. Don’t get carried away with it, if this is the flu you always get, your body should get through it just fine with rest and fluids. If it gets worse or you faint again, go to the hospital. ” Kuroo instructs sounding entirely like the doctor his degree is preparing him to be.

Oikawa waves him away weakly as if not listening, but the small smile on his lips betrays him and Iwaizumi gets the distinct feeling this isn’t something new. And it makes sense, Kuroo knowing exactly what kind of medication to get and them knowing each other since high school. What doesn’t make sense is the undeniable jealousy that rises up in him at the connection the two share.

Oikawa sits up and winces as he puts pressure on his injured hand. Iwaizumi frowns and adjusts the pillows behind his head so Oikawa is as comfortable as possible. Kuroo sets the tray on the bedside table and turns to Iwaizumi.

“Make sure he stays in bed and takes medicine as appropriate. Also keep an eye on the bandages, they need to be checked daily.” Oikawa looks ready to protest, but Iwaizumi only nods towards Kuroo, silencing the setter in his bed with a hard look.

“I’ll take care of it.” He promises and picks up the bowl from the tray.

“Ok, now that that’s taken care of, Kenma and I are leaving. Iwaizumi, keep us updated.” And just like that Kuroo is out of the room again. Kenma only sticks his head in briefly to say a quiet goodbye and they’re gone.

“I’ll have to get them something nice as a gift.” Iwaizumi murmurs as he hands Oikawa a spoon and holds the porridge bowl so the other can eat without straining his injury. A hint of red enters Oikawa’s otherwise far too pale features.

“Sure. I’m just wondering what kind of gift I should give you. Without you, they probably wouldn’t have been here and now you're even doing this.” Oikawa comments as he slowly takes a spoonful and blows on it carefully.

“What are you talking about? I don’t need anything. Also, you’re underestimating Kuroo, if I hadn’t turned up, he would have found a way to contact your family or somebody else eventually.” Iwaizumi smiles wryly, watching Oikawa’s face carefully. It scrunches up in distaste and Iwaizumi knows just from the scent wafting from the bowl that it’s not the porridge that’s causing it.

“Well there really isn’t anyone else to contact, Iwa-chan. The closest would be my sister and she isn’t even in the country. So, thank you, for coming back and for everything else.” Iwaizumi wants to push him further, ask more questions, but it seems that the illness is finally catching up with the younger, because he looks exhausted.

So Iwaizumi stays quiet and lets the other eat.

-

Oikawa ends up sleeping for a really long time. Iwaizumi checks in on him from time to time during the night, admiring how soft Oikawa looks when he’s finally relaxed. The fever is still there, but it’s less intense after the medicine kicks in and Iwaizumi is beyond relieved, because he still can’t get the image of Oikawa splayed out on the floor at their entrance out of his mind. He feels like it will follow him forever.

Iwaizumi makes himself keep busy while Oikawa sleeps, he doesn’t want to sleep himself, just in case the setter’s condition makes a turn for the worse. He straightens out Oikawa’s room first, it feels odd stepping in there while Oikawa is asleep across the hall, but Iwaizumi gets over himself quickly.  He changes the sheets and takes care of the laundry after picking up all the clothes from the ground. The room still looks like a mess, but at least Oikawa can sleep there later on.

Iwaizumi figures he will leave Oikawa’s vanity alone since he doesn’t know where to put all the books anyway, but something catches his eye just as he’s about to exit the room. Oikawa’s phone, it’s almost hidden from view by the mess, but the notification light is blinking furiously from what are probably dozens of unread messages. Iwaizumi feels the urge to check it, but that would go against everything he has promised himself. Just because Oikawa seemed to be fine with him looking at his blog, doesn’t mean he would appreciate this. Instead Iwaizumi puts the device to charge, noting the slightly cracked screen as he does so.

_That was definitely not there before._

-

It’s still early when Iwaizumi jerks awake from a thin sleep. It’s barely light outside and he feels stiffness in his neck from sleeping while sitting upright on the living room couch. Iwaizumi listens in and there’s the sound again. He gets up groaning in pain, it’s not just his neck, but his arms too, from when he fell while tripping over Oikawa.

“What are you doing? You should be in bed.” Iwaizumi grunts out when he sees Oikawa in the kitchen, attempting to make tea with one hand.

“I couldn’t sleep anymore, no offence, Iwa-chan, but your bed isn’t that comfortable.” Oikawa teases lightly and Iwaizumi raises his eyebrows in surprise, because this Oikawa sounds exactly the same as before the winter holidays. Gone is the vulnerability and openness he showed just last night.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s why I cleaned up your room, so you can sleep there now.” Iwaizumi plays along making note of changes in Oikawa’s demeanor, nothing happens, so Iwaizumi pushes further. “Mind telling me what really happened? I know you were sick, you still are, but that’s definitely not everything.” Oikawa stiffens. _There it is._ Iwaizumi gently takes the teapot from Oikawa’s hand and takes over preparing the oolong tea that Oikawa favors. He steals glances while measuring out the tea leaves and waiting for the water to boil.

Oikawa looks better health wise, but the expression on his face is worse. He looks conflicted and Iwaizumi wishes he could take it away, but for far too long they have been avoiding important conversations, so now he’s adamant on getting everything he can out of the other. Oikawa leans against the counter heavily. The kitchen is clean (courtesy of Kenma, most likely) and Iwaizumi is relieved there are no more blood stains here to remind them of how terrible it had been just last night.

“I didn’t actually cut myself.”

Iwaizumi almost drops the teapot in shock, but manages to get a hold of himself in time. He carefully sets it down on the counter and pours hot water over tea leaves, counting the seconds to when it will be good to drink. He nods towards Oikawa to continue, who sighs watching Iwaizumi silently for a few moments.

“I went out to drink one night and I had a bit too much. You have to realize I was already not feeling too good.. No, you do already know this, right? Since you read my blog.” Oikawa trails off and seems to hesitate over his next words. “I got into a fight with some guys who know my old roommate. It got a bit ugly.”

“You got into a bar fight?” Iwaizumi asks his voice trembling slightly, he swallows hard willing himself to not jump to conclusions. He pours them tea and hands Oikawa his cup. Oikawa sits down at their kitchen table holding onto the cup as if it’s the last thing in the world.

“Not exactly. They said some offensive things and I lost it, yelled some equally offensive things and stormed out. They followed me outside and one of them had a knife.” Oikawa takes a sip of the tea and hums pleased at the perfectly prepared beverage. Iwaizumi glares at him.

“Stop stalling. What happened exactly?” Oikawa frowns at Iwaizumi’s forcefulness, but Iwaizumi can’t help it. He had already thought it bad enough that Oikawa had harmed himself accidentally while sick, but to find out it was somebody else. He feels blood boil in his veins.

“I think it’s obvious, Iwa-chan, the one with a knife took a swing at me and it caught my palm.”

“Don’t be so callous." Iwaizumi frowns. "How did you get away with only one wound, anyway?” Oikawa looks away guiltily at this and Iwaizumi gets it. He stalks over to where Oikawa is sitting and without much preamble lifts the sweater Oikawa is still wearing. A trail of bruises marks his abdomen and ribs.

“Oikawa, what the hell?” Iwaizumi stares at them until Oikawa grows too self-conscious and tugs down the sweater.

“It’s fine. They’re healing ok and now you’re here to take care of me while I recover too.” Oikawa smiles sweetly, obviously trying to distract from how bad it all looks. Iwaizumi takes a deep breath, there’s not much he can do at the moment. Sensing Iwaizumi’s irritation, Oikawa continues his story. He explains how he got home and how his flu got worse with the added stress of other injuries and then how he finally passed out at the entryway. Iwaizumi can sense that there’s probably a lot still left out, but this much is already a lot, so he lets it go. Getting Oikawa to fully open up to him would most likely take a miracle.

“I’m sorry.” Iwaizumi says quietly and Oikawa looks up at him surprised and he pushes on. “I should have been here and I should have told you that I found and read your blog.” 

“You asked me yesterday if I knew about this since the lip gloss.” Oikawa, disregarding Iwaizumi’s apology, says instead. “No, I didn’t. I had my suspicions, but it became really obvious when I saw a rather odd account that suddenly followed my blog." Iwaizumi rubs the back of his head sheepish, already figuring where this was going. "Iwa-chan, you’re really terrible at naming things. Monogatari Aesthetics? You think I don’t know the topic of your thesis? And did you tack on the aesthetics part because of me?” Oikawa looks at him amusement dancing in his eyes as he fires the questions away and Iwaizumi can only stare amazed. Oikawa, even while sick and injured, manages to looks so captivating when he doesn’t fake anything, Iwaizumi doesn’t think he can truly ever get used to it.

“Are these ones rhetoric too?" He teases after managing to gather his senses. "But, yeah, I guess it wasn’t the best name choice.” He shrugs and sips on his tea, enjoying that he doesn’t have to hide anything anymore. “And I still have no idea what aesthetics really are.”

Oikawa laughs quietly.

"Iwa-chan, I forgave you as soon as I realized that you weren't using what you read about in my blog against me."

-

Time passes slowly after this. It’s still winter break and Oikawa still sleeps a lot. In his own room now though. He seems better, even if he is infinitely restless because he can’t attend volleyball practice.

Aside from making sure that Oikawa rests and eats properly, which he would have done even if the other wasn't sick, Iwaizumi frequently retreats to his own space to work on his thesis. That had been the reason he provided his family with when he left home so suddenly, he’s not sure they believed him, but he figures it can’t hurt to actually try and do some research.

It’s one of the long evenings where both him and Oikawa are holed up in their own rooms. Iwaizumi’s deep into a book that analyses _Genji Monogatari_ and is about to make a point in his notes that could be a breakthrough in his research, when his phone vibrates. Iwaizumi feels his breath catch when he sees that the notification isn’t a message from his parents, but a new post from Oikawa’s blog.

He opens it wondering what Oikawa could possibly be up to. 

_I like you._

_You’re the reason I can feel and act like myself. If not all the time, then at least when I’m with you._

He stares at it in disbelief for a moment. There’s no way this was meant for anyone else. He's definitely talking about Iwaizumi here. It’s not like Iwaizumi’s completely oblivious about both of their feelings, but still he’s stunned. Before he knows it, he’s abandoned all of his books and notes, they tumble to the ground, but Iwaizumi doesn’t even glance backwards as he rushes out of his own room to Oikawa’s.

He finds it dark, except for the Christmas lights that still decorate the vanity. When he finally sees Oikawa step forward from the shadows, he feels his breath catch yet again, taking everything in. Oikawa's soft features are bathed in the glow of the Christmas lights and it’s obvious he’s wearing make-up. His hair is carefully styled, flower pins holding it in place and it suits him so much Iwaizumi feels like he might cry.

“I thought as part of my New Year resolutions, I would try to be more honest about everything.” Oikawa twists his hands in the white flowy material of his shirt looking bashful underneath Iwaizumi’s stare.

Iwaizumi crosses the room in a few strides and pulls Oikawa in for a tight hug, but the other resists and moves back slightly, making their lips meet instead. For a brief moment all Iwaizumi tastes is cherries. His world stops.

“Iwa-chan, I like you.” Oikawa repeats the words from the post and Iwaizumi had never though he would see the other this nervous, but then again Oikawa is always challenging every convention Iwaizumi has ever had.

Iwaizumi's mind is blank, he can't think of a single thing to say, so he kisses Oikawa again. It’s soft, a bit clumsy, but almost familiar. The lip gloss covering Oikawa's lips is sticky and the few loose strands from Oikawa's hair tickle Iwaizumi's cheek. It's both everything and nothing like he thought it would be.

Oikawa is the first one to pull back.

"I think it should be midnight soon." Somewhere in the distance there are fireworks. "Happy New Year, Iwa-chan." 

 

_final coda:_

They're lying in Oikawa's bed together, Iwaizumi has his laptop with him, typing away, and Oikawa is on his phone scrolling through Tumblr. The cracked screen catches Iwaizumi's eye again.

"What exactly did you do with your phone, Shittykawa?" He asks finally, unable to resist, Oikawa looks up at him a mischievous smile on his pretty face and Iwaizumi can already tell he won't get a proper answer.

"I tried to hit it until it breaks?" 

Iwaizumi closes his eyes pinching the bridge of his nose. "Forget I asked. Your puns are terrible."

But he's smiling too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this marks the end of Hit It Until It Breaks and wow what a journey it has been. sending all of my commenters, subscribers, kudo and bookmark givers endless hugs <3 I've found some great people because of writing this and if anything that is the best gift of all.  
> since this is the end (for now) I would appreciate immensely any and all feedback!
> 
> follow my [writing side blog](https://shattered-epiphany.tumblr.com/) or simply subscribe to the Oikawa Tooru's Tumblr Blog series if you want to be notified when more appears
> 
> p.s. if you're wondering where all the angst went, well [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9392519)

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, the blog exists.  
> http://hitituntilitbreaks-aesthetics.tumblr.com  
> 


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